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Sunday, February 24th, 2008
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I will wear you on my neck near my heart,
on my ears near my mind,
and my fingers touching everything I find.
You'll be close to me.
I'm coming home to the cold for a few days soon. I wish it would be under better circumstances, but it was time.
Peace is here for you now.
I'm going to swim in waters of fantasy and grace. Let go of control and surrender to the unknown.
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_+: 2 bitches - get stitches.
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Wednesday, January 9th, 2008
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Not everything needs to be as difficult as it has been in the past.
Here's to 2008... it has been treating me very nicely so far.
I miss Chicago already, but the sunshine here brings plenty of good stuff to me. I'm a lucky gal.
I'm so excited for visitors to experience my new home and surroundings.
xoxo Gossip Girl. hahaha (a hint at my shitty taste of tv shows)
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_+: get stitches.
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Monday, December 24th, 2007
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FRAGILE
The unexpected made me smile.
It definitely will be staying for awhile. (or at least I hope so)
Isn't it sad that when something seems so good, that we (meaning me) get anxious and wait for the bad?
Maybe it's my turn now.
***********************************************
It's so nice to be home now and around the people that live in my heart everyday.
The snow is pretty, but the wind is monsterous.
I'm scared to leave once again, but this time I have another big positive thing waiting for me back at my new home.
I wish the happiest holidays to everyone!
Love is all you need.
I love watching Curb Your Enthusiasm with my Dad...for some reason his laugh makes the show even better. But do I really act like Larry David's wife? I've had at least 5 people tell me I do. Please explain.
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_+: 2 bitches - get stitches.
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Saturday, December 1st, 2007
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It's scary. The uncureable word and disease.
Independence is my social norm, but acceptance is hard to form.
Hearing about tears is different than seeing and feeling.
Glancing at struggles is different than dealing.
My heart beats for you, more than you may fathom.
Your heart beats for so many of us, more than I may fathom.
These steps are made just knowing we can walk them.
And together has been successful in the past.
Each step will give more strength than the last.
The strength will punch it out of our way.
Then we can go back to a much clearer day.
Across all these statelines I send love. My unconditional kind.
That's all we need, right?
lets fly.
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_+: get stitches.
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Thursday, November 22nd, 2007
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yet again another contradiction to my winding in circles thoughts...
waiting can be exciting and completely worth it.
(can possibly)
I'm thankful
for hearts that show themselves here and there.
for smiles that shimmer in my eyes.
for words that stream out happiness.
for people that hold me together.
for the pieces of my heart that I have and will have to come.
for innocence.
for knowledge.
for curiousty.
for honesty.
for life and the unexpected and the comfortable.
Happy Thanksgiving!
I don't want to leave home, but I'm a big girl and will return shortly.
I'll make you notice.
Love to all.
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_+: get stitches.
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Monday, November 19th, 2007
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So good to be home. I've come to realize that the more I am away, the more I know that Chicago is my home. Not to say that I'm not liking where I live now...it's just different. I've met incredible people along this new path and feel very fortunate as to where my feet stand at this particular moment in my life.
I'm walking a straight line and have gotten really good at making sharp, unexpected turns. I always have this rear view mirror to look back at my past, but I majority of the time I don't like to turn around and face it. It's funny how we worry and hold onto things in the past that cannot be changed. (this excludes all amazing memories that will be held onto forever) I'm talking about the experiences and situations that might have put a damper in my life that I still question. What's the point? I can't do anything about it. Let go and learn.
Waiting is an interesting concept. You could wait for a second, a day, a few minutes, months, years, etc. You just never know how long. That brings the issue of time up. How do you know exactly how much time to wait for something? It all depends on the situation yes, but how is that even determined? I have no clue why I was even thinking about this....I should have been giving the road my full attention as I was driving but all these damn cutesy love songs kept coming on the radio that mentioned someone waiting. Of course it's beautiful and an extreme gesture to tell someone you'd wait a lifetime for them, but realistic? (I almost feel like I'm writing an editorial here and being bitter...really I'm not and just sharing curiosity)
So our society obviously isn't good at waiting. We complain how long it takes to get a table at a restaurant or how long it takes in between each patient that a doctor sees. How can a person wait for someone that they want to be with at that moment? They say "if you really love someone, you would wait." Yeah, but if you're really hungry you get an appetizer. (A distraction) If you're really bored in a waiting room at a doctor's office, you get a magazine. (A distraction) What happens when you get tired or bored of waiting for an actual person you possibly want to be with? (uh oh, a distraction) It's sad to say, but we don't want to wait long for pretty much anything. We don't even want to wait in line at a store to buy clothes, so we order online. (express mail it if we have to)
I don't think I could ever ask someone to wait for me. Although it would be so nice and perfect for me, I couldn't ask that of someone. Too hard. Lately, when I've been wanting something, I want it right now...I don't want to wait. This may be a big contradiction, but I'm quite honestly a very patient person. But I'd rather try something right now and fix it on the way, rather than waiting however long to try it and taking the chance of it even existing in the future.
I really don't know where this mini ramble came from. I will keep listening to the cutesy love songs and go on with my days. I definitely am not talking about every single instance of waiting, because some of course are worth it and need to happen. (man, I'm full of contradictions oh well!)
I'm sleepy and home. Need my bed and some more kisses maybe. ha
I want to karaoke this week and go on dinner dates and see movies and spend time with all of you!!
tingles in silly places. what a good line.
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_+: 4 bitches - get stitches.
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Wednesday, October 10th, 2007
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| Time: | 10:41 pm. |
| Music: | rilo kiley.. |
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It's true that we don't know what we've got until we lose it, but it's also true that we don't know what we've been missing until it arrives.
Take my time wherever I go? I don't know.
The feelings sometimes take too long to show.
The feelings, sometimes I just want them to flow.
I'd like to believe my intuitive senses are strong, but then my doubts are even stronger. Inner voices can be quite a comical concept and make people feel uneasy when spoken of. We all have them and maybe should listen more often. My worries are pretty heavy lately and may be too big for my body to handle. It's always harder at the end of the day. But then again my positives are overwhelming and almost feel undeserving.
The Ying and the Yang once again.
I want to have the right words and the right gestures to comfort those who are suffering. Soon I will be given that chance. Each day my students teach me new things as I attempt to teach them new knowledge. Since I'm in Florida, in the 3rd grade they must take swimming lessons so my entire week has been filled with swimming and free time. It has been an absolute joy to spend time with each of my students outside of the "educational atmosphere." They all have incredible talents, positive outlooks, innocence, beauty, genuine feelings, curiosity, and kind hearts. (I am one lucky teacher to say the least) As I drove home today after school it hit me that I can't keep stressing on all the state test scores. I need to affect these little people in a different way and then show them that learning and caring are the keys to life. (sorry that sounds so cliche and corny) The test scores will hopefully string right along. Yes, this seems so obvious but when my brain finally told me it in such a blunt way I felt ingenious.
Thank goodness for Beijing! Every night I have an urge to quit everything and fly home...Beijing may sense this and becomes the best distraction. The urge will fade, I think.
I can't even begin to explain my excitement for my brothers (and one of their gf's) to come down here this weekend and the entire week! I need family to surround me right now...they are my heart. I will also be seeing old friends, hopefully twice next week as they stroll into town with their musical beauties.
Have you ever felt that a door opened very unexpectantly after you were fumbling through various keys over and over again? When it's such a shocker, are you supposed to run right in or wait a little bit outside and stare in to view your new opportunities from a distance? I feel like I'm in a long hallway now looking through the opened door. Let me know when I'm invited to walk right in...I'll still be here most likely.
I wish I could be watching Always Sunny in Philadelphia. I desperately need FX.
我错过您的眼睛.
xo.
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_+: 4 bitches - get stitches.
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Thursday, September 20th, 2007
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I came across this in one of my journals as I was glancing through them before sleepy time. I apparently wrote it in January and have no clue what I am talking about here. I thought it was interesting that I used the word sensuous...I believe that's the only time I have ever used or spoken that word. (word of that day perhaps?)
When you look at me
not only do you see
new places,
but the feel of those places.
I hand it to you through my eyes.
The sensuous brilliance of my offerings
trapt you closer to my eyes.
And what you want and need,
in me is where you will find.
I'll be your feast.
Class=Fabulous
Florida=Good
New York=Amazing
Puppy=Best Comfort
Me=Content
I am getting used to the daily occurrences of missing particular things and people. I tried to see if I could come to Chicago before Thanksgiving, but I don't think it will be possible. Ten days around Thanksgiving will hopefully create tingles in my heart and love all around! Beijing will be joining me. You will be hugging me.
Inspirations are keys to dreams and no heart ever suffers when it goes in search for its dreams.
A simple "ah-ha" moment makes every bit of stressful work all worth it and more.
xo.
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_+: 13 bitches - get stitches.
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Sunday, August 19th, 2007
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Being alone allows sad feelings to creep up on you at times when you least expect it. I had such a great night meeting new friends and haven't laughed and smiled the way I did tonight in awhile, but as I drove home to my empty big house I felt so completely alone and missed all the people that I truly love that are in my heart.
“For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.” Ahh Judy Garland you were a wise one.
Non-insistent, I follow suit and layed out on my back
Imagine that
A million hours left to think of you and think of that
Calm down, I'm calling you to say
I'm capsized, staring on the edge of safe
Calm down, I'm calling back to say
I'm home now
I'm coming around, I'm coming around
Nobody likes to but I really like to cry.
I miss you Chicago and everyone in it. I miss my heart being full again. I'm afraid if I don't feel full every minute of the day my students will be able to see through it and not get the best of me.
this was kind of pointless but a place to put words for myself right now.
my heart is racing.
wo ai ni. wo ye xiang ni.
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_+: 3 bitches - get stitches.
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Wednesday, August 8th, 2007
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I just returned from a District Meeting and feel so lucky to be in such an awesome school district. I apparently got a raise and haven't even officially started yet! AMAZING. One of the people that works for the district is from Elgin and we high-fived right when I signed in. (later on he gave me and good ol' C'ville a shout out haha) We decided that mid-westerners have the best sense of humor.
Florida is pretty much country...so many southern accents and I found out that people cow tip in my area. Yes, I said it, it's true, they cow tip! EEK. All the other teachers at my table were like, "What is city-life-living like?" haha I said I get mugged pretty much every day and wear a bullet proof vest to bed even! Some even admitted that they find Tampa and Orlando a bit scary and dirty to go out at night! Oh man, who am I going to go have fun with on weekends?
Oh well, everyone is sincerely nice and fun to be around at work. It's funny, I don't really consider what I do work because I love it and it's so fun! (I haven't even met my students yet) Something about an Elementary School gets me more cheery as a person. (even more than I already am) I don't think I would be down here if I didn't like my job or school. It gets super lonely at night, but that's what books and movies are for right? I listen to a lot of music constantly so my place doesn't seem so big and empty. I miss Chicago A LOT. But the people there the most. I'm dealing with this sunshine state a little better each day...I mean it is my birthplace so we have a little catching up to do.
My birthday was nice and I thank you for all the pretty wishes that were sent.
I'm allowing myself a pool break before I get into more planning and school stuff. My neighborhood doesn't look like Florida, and I kinda like it that way.
Have a great week to all. Learn something new each day and share your knowledge!
xo
p.s. I won $100 gift card to the grocery store. Lots of wine and cheese! hahaha
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_+: 1 bitch - get stitches.
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Saturday, August 4th, 2007
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Objective of the day: To improve map reading and communication skills, all while traveling around Tampa Bay/Clearwater/St. Petersburg Area.
Planned Agenda:
Fresh Market in Downtown Tampa 11am-1pm.
Check out Ybor City Streets.
Clearwater Beach.
Find cute place to eat.
I should have known that this Saturday was going to be a good one (even though I was just in my own company) because right when I got on a highway I turned my head to the right to view a tiny farm and to see a mini horse! Not a pony, but a mini horse like the one on MTv's Rob and Big show. I wish I could have snatched it up and brought it with on my adventure.
Since I am on my own kinda in the middle of nowhere in Florida, I really want to get to know the Tampa Bay area because that's the closest major city near me. I found a few things to do last night online and created a plan. So I started out at this fresh food market and craft fair in downtown Tampa that was pretty interesting. So many southern accents, yummy food, and beaded miscellaneous objects. I have to say that I might turn into a fruit lover now being around it so much and willing to try it. I then took up the streets of Ybor. I liked it a lot and stepped in the most amazing french vintage store, as well as many delightful second-hand shops. During my shopping and walking time in Ybor I asked a few people where the "hip" places to go at night that didn't consist of flashy dance clubs or glow sticks or bros. A nice looking and well-mannered-all-tattooed-up guy told me some places his friends go and said he'd love to see me around. Not bad, but why didn't he ask for my #? Come on, I need friends. haha Next up, I stopped in a tattoo parlor after a random call was shouted out to me. Apparently I didn't look like I was from around there and he wanted to know if I needed some ink. I responded with my midwestern accent in which I emphasize and twang my a's saying that soon enough I will be in for another tat or 2...but asked the same question about places to go. Now that I have the info... I want to go, but don't have anyone to go with. Isn't it weird to go to bars on your own? Especially a little lady?
Next stop was Clearwater Beach and oh was it a sight to see. Today was a gorgeous day and I was so happy to see white sand and glistening ocean waves! I found a perfect spot to lay out my beach towel and lather myself up with some spf. Thanks to Lindsey I started reading the book Love is a Mix Tape: Life and Loss, One Song at a Time. (I'm enjoying it so far) Some body-builder looking men kept walking by starring that made me feel quite uncomfortable but then I saw a sweet looking old man in a rainbow-striped speedo that made me laugh and feel better. haha After I thought my skin received enough sunrays for the day I headed back to my car but stopped at a bench to put on a sundress and my shoes again. At this bench a woman came up to me that didn't really strike me as homeless right away even though she was kinda dirty. She first started off with asking how I was and complimenting me on my bathing suit and body. Yes, she said I have a nice petite frame. She then proceeded to ask why I was by myself and where I was from. Since I was in a public place and she didn't seem harmless in the least bit (and the lack of human contact and conversations I've had lately) I didn't ignore her. I don't know if she was a really good con-artist or truly wanted to talk to someone and ask for a little bit of help. Basically she said she was from New Orleans and that was where her last home was. She's been trying to get a job and relocated all around Florida, but it's hard to get a job without an address and her kids finally got into school while she borrowed someone's address to get them into a district. To sum it up, my heart went out to her and I only had a $20 with me, so I gave it to her. She hugged me and gave me a card that has a cute friendship poem on it. She said that she'll remember me and that I have kind eyes filled with love to spread around. (that completely touched me) I wish I would have asked her what her name was. I wish her and her children well!
On my way home I was supposed to merge onto 275N instead of 275S but I couldn't get over! ehhhh bad move cause once you're on 275 S you can't turn around for 15 miles because it's a huge bridge to get to St. Pete's. This made me very uneasy because of the recent bridge collapsing in MN. (My heart goes out to the friends and families of the victims) Plus all you see is water all around you! eek! I made alive to say the least. Maybe it had to do with the song I was listening to at the time that kept talking about grace being around me. hmmm?
As I got closer to my place of residence I noticed a street called Weed St. then Leisure St. and Leisurely Acres. Is there a connection? I wonder. So I ended my day with some active laps around my pool and now sitting here contemplating what to make for dinner as I listen to Sean Kingston. Beeeaaaauuuttttiiiifuuuulllll guuuuurrrrlllllssss. Listen to the lyrics, they will make you laugh.
I almost feel like I'm back in asia when I used to update about my daily adventures. Much different from Asia I must say.
I'm just a city girl trying to adjust to the country life. That's what some lady told me at my school district office.
Meetings start Monday! I miss you chicago and loves! Come whenever.
xoxoxo.
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_+: 7 bitches - get stitches.
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I'm living my new life in Florida starting last night. I haven't created the right words in my mouth or brain to type them out on how to describe what I am feeling currently. I will stumble across them soon enough I'm sure.
As for now, this is my horoscope for this week: pretty right on.
You know the easiest road isn't always the best one for you to walk on, since you need to strengthen yourself by overcoming a few obstacles along the way. Tuesday you find your own inner compass and navigate through a difficult yet ultimately productive testing period. You'll evolve by leaps and bounds and by the time the weekend rolls around you won't know yourself, since you'll have changed in important ways. You get the most bang for your buck on Saturday, when your mental brainpower will be strong enough to light up any room you're in.
Tomorrow I'm driving across this state to visit a friend from Chicago and 2 from high school. I'm looking forward to it very much so!
I have no idea when I will be okay with being alone constantly. I miss my roommates. I miss my family. I miss my friends. I can't wait for school to start up...at least I have distractions pretty much everyday leading up to it.
Advertisement Here: Come visit me and my sweet house. Plenty of space...open rooms...drinks in the fridge...snacks in the pantry...water and fountain in the pool...my company.
Hope everyone is feeling comfortable and content lately. Lots of love is sent from me to you.
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_+: get stitches.
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Thursday, July 19th, 2007
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xo.
I feel so lucky to have the people I do in my heart. It's hard right now, I'm feeling both sides of the spectrum. I'm trying to keep a smile constantly so I won't have to think about my fearsome thoughts, although the smiles aren't particularly forced or fakes. I make stupid mistakes lately and act like I'm careless after 1am, but I figure it will probably be quite some time until I can make those types of mistakes again. Like I always say...it makes life less boring. I just want people to smile when they think of me and no negativity...so sorry if I've ever given you that.
Sunshine Days Always Come Back.
Sunshine days
always come back
when I think
they are gone forever.
Foggy nights
wait above the hills
when I plan
to watch the stars.
Some times sunshine days
end in foggy nights.
But foggy nights
always end in sunshine days.
It's knowing that
that helps.
It's the waiting
that's hell.
Hopefully my heart and I will become friends soon and will not betray each other. ha that sounds insane after I read it, but made complete sense as I typed and said it in my head....maybe I've heard something like that before?
Come Party with me and my loves on Friday at our place please!
xo.
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_+: 1 bitch - get stitches.
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to be honest, i have no clue why i typed it and what that last post meant but i do believe it's a rachael yamagata lyric.
happy birthday america.
words to remember: the secret of life is to fall seven times and get up eight. lets help the soul of the world.
thanks Alchemist and Paulo.
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_+: get stitches.
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and i'll smile again.
when i see you.
thank you. xie xie. arigato. gracias.
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_+: get stitches.
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Thursday, June 28th, 2007
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i haven't felt so good yet so weak in so long.
wow, it has been some time since i have leaned on someone. my heart wants to so bad, but i know it won't because i'm too hard-headed.
tell me when. my knees would buckle.
i want to hurry so many things. i feel i'm leaving indefinitely. sometimes no doesn't seem to be the best answer, but sometimes yes doesn't seem to fit at all. i want to smile about every little thing i do but i want you to do the same in your life too. who knows where i'll be stationary again?
the wish-i-didnts are all gone and locked up in some vault inside the brain. some of those want out and slip to the heart, but some of those know exactly why they are there. we all have them and makes us human even more.
stripped down completely...my past scares me in the most absolutely tingly way, but makes me miss it completely now that it is somewhat back or t aken a mini step. no more push and pull. been through enough so far. let me go in this world and fall back on you in about 3 years?
i'm a 3rd grade teacher now with a very respectable salary andcannot wait to begin. but it's in another state. goodbyes are going to be spoken shortly but good deeds will grow even stronger. i will make my mark.
if i have ever spoken a word of feeling toward you, you know you mean something.
sweet dreams.
sorry for the melancholy. it wasn't meant whatsoever to come across that way.
maybe i'll make a myspace before i leave. HAHAHHAAHAH
xoxoxoxox
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_+: 2 bitches - get stitches.
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dreams leave me with funny feelings.
weekends in april leave me with funny stories.
days with sunshine leave me with happy skin on the outside.
reading new books each week leave me with new thoughts.
I'll see you every once in awhile.
Just keep my mind sharp.
And accept when you give me a smile.
It's never quite as it seems.
Just keep my mind sharp.
And never know what it means.
I'll leave sometime soon.
Just keep my mind sharp.
And let my words stay in tune.
Won't you not forget?
sometimes the most important part of history is the history you make of today.
sometimes i don't want to think and just be careless...
sometimes carelessness is grown on dangerous grounds.
i'm not going to step on those anymore.
i haven't had a craving for sour patch kids like this in quite some time.
surprise me.
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_+: get stitches.
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Old pain from the past, even as inane as it may be, can actually limit you with present situations. (who would have thunk it?) Maybe I never took the time to realize it until it arose out of nowhere, apologized for, forgiven, and then let go. The process was enjoyed and most appreciated, more than I ever could have known or imagined. Old hidden scars, as little as they come, can be fixed and set you up in a little bit better place.
Confusion and frustration reigns. Something I'm not so familiar with, but will take. So, I'll let it go with my own attempt to make understanding of it in my own shoes. Apparently I may play games without knowing the rules and in the end there isn't a purpose, winner, or loser. (or my eyes haven't been open enough to be aware of them) Hopefully it was fun for all though and filled the time with smiles and even downs to create a story to make life less boring. Boring typically doesn't enter my days...I don't know whether or not to thank my thoughts, actions, surrounding people, or situations I kinda slide myself into. I guess I should thank all of the above and move on to my next day.
To be honest, I cherish the times when I can sit around with people that can make my mind slow down and my heart feel calm. I wish that my eyes were more readable and I wouldn't have to try so hard to say things verbally. Why are words on paper or typed so much faster to release themselves from my body, rather than words from my mouth?
Take me on a road trip soon and I'll do anything. I know those words can be attached to way too many open-ended, possibly crazy options, but hey...if you ask, I'd most likely consider.
Even people that I thought I knew so well and could predict almost anything about can still surprise me. And that is a great thing in this type of story.
Turning the page. Underneath it all whether you are here or there, it's all the same. The cycles turn and go back around in new environments, but really it's kinda the same thing when you think about it long enough. Just don't let being scared stop any cycle because it doesn't just effect you when it stops.
Enough words...I'm going to drink some more mimosas and have a happy easter. I hope you are too!
always xo.
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_+: 4 bitches - get stitches.
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I tell myself...Do not feel rushed to get anywhere. You may have already arrived? Appreciate everything given to me whether it's from the mouths or hands of others. Enjoy yourself in the company of those you love and not worry about expectations I suppose.
The sun is out and gives purpose to smiles even more.
Thank goodness for relaxed, easy-going friends I can surround myself with.
You ought to know the people you ought to know.
10 more weeks until graduation. Weird.
about 5-6 more months until I leave Chicago. Even Weirder.
about 1 year until I leave America. Eek.
you don't stop.
i'm holding on, but it's hard to stand strong.
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_+: 5 bitches - get stitches.
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.
i would wish for any boy to break my heart in two,
than for it to break due to anything about you.
i would wish to take you somewhere,
to show you how much i care.
i would wish for you to feel safe or happy
in that place i would show you...
but if that place does come our way
would you squeeze my hand and please say stay?
let me wish this and make it all go away
.
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_+: get stitches.
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chip_n_dale's journal
curious.
peaceful.
chipper.
hopeful.
nervous.